River Oaks Hospital (Flowood, MS)

I was recently in Flowood, a suburb of Jackson, Mississippi. I travel a lot and work in the medical device industry, so many of my posts will be in airports or hospitals. Wouldn't it be neat if there were a hospital in an airport? I know many hospitals have places for helicopters to land, but it could be handy to fly into, for instance, Mercy Hospital and International Airport, get an appendectomy, have some jello, buy a sudoku book or that new Sue Grafton thriller, and fly back home!

Okay, enough shooting the shit, as they say. Here is a photo of River Oaks Hospital. It was not taken by me and it is not a very good photo.


Also, it doesn't really look like River Oaks hospital. Here is a better picture of a hospital.


Much better! One of the best things about this hospital is that there is free coffee in the cafeteria. How nice! So, I drank a bunch of free coffee. Did you know that coffee is a diuretic? I know, the word makes it sound like it causes diarrhea, but diuretic just means that it causes you to have to pee a lot. According to wikipedia, coffee is ALSO a laxative, so after drinking all of that coffee, I was in desperate need of a little "helipad" of my own (to land my chopper). Around the corner from the cafeteria is a bathroom that served my purpose just fine. The decor was simple, it was relatively clean, and it was deserted, which I always appreciate. I could spend some time talking about how I feel about pooping near other people, but I'll save that for another post. I took a look in the gift store and found the precious items shown below. I briefly considered purchasing one for my new bundle of joy, but passed it up. Plus, obviously it was on its way to...the Gulf of Mexico? Is that where Mississippoo goes? Also, is that shirt brand Rabbit Skin?

I also had some good reading material. There were a bunch of free magazines about hunting, God, and local social events. The social events coverage was amazing! Check this lady out! I think she was at some cotillion or something. Her face says, "the lady behind me just shoved her talons into my rectum!"


A tip if you're going to River Oaks Hospital: earlier in the day, I had been over in the Suites, which are called Physicians Offices or Clinics at most hospitals. The bathrooms are much nicer there, so if you have your own little "outpatient procedure" to perform, head for the Suites! Also in the Suites: this is an example of a doctor with a discipline-appropriate name:

Fire & Ice (Boston, MA)

I wish I had more time to poop and post, but alas I'm a very busy person! I mean, I'm always pooping but not always able to post. I think you can understand. I didn't poop today, but my boss said something fantastic. She said, "what if we have to target to all bottoms?" Can you believe that?! I laughed a little. I could only laugh a little! I was in a meeting - a very important meeting. But really though, targeting bottoms!?! Now that's something I can get BEHIND.

Anyway, on to an actual poopdate. This one could have been hard for me since it was about a month ago when I took a shit in Fire & Ice, but luckily, I took some key notes. Let me set the scene. The bathroom at Fire & Ice is a very funky place. Not funky as in funky smelling, but funky looking. There were red and blue light bulbs (not covered) hanging from the ceiling, brightly rose colored walls, mirrors with leopard print borders, and some fancy motion towel dispensers. I like those fancy type things! I very much enjoyed looking at the funky environment so I was excited to leave my own FUNK for Fire & Ice to enjoy. Everything was going well until I got into the stall. I sat down and realized that the toilet seat was the wrong size! It was smaller than the toilet! Now THAT'S what I call funky, volume one. Maybe they did it on purpose. I don't know! After I got over that, I looked straight ahead and saw some FALL OUT BOY graffiti. How could someone be so rude as to write such a stupid thing in such an important place! I was immediately put off. My FUNK was not going to be able to GET DOWN. I was not going to be able to play that FUNKY music. I could never be a resident of FUNKYTOWN. Really though, I NEVER thought words could ruin shitting, but I was wrong. I almost puked actually. Reading the words FALL OUT BOY is almost as bad as listening to them. It brings their music to mind and no one needs that. I might puke in a minute, now that I'm thinking about it so much. I'm sorry about this. Let's forget about it. Just don't go into the stall farthest to the right at Fire & Ice. Try any other stall. I'm begging you. And let me know how the other stalls are!

Nokia Corporate Office (Burlington, MA)

So, I'm in Burlington for a few days taking a class for work and of course I'm going have to sink a softie at least once while I'm here. Yesterday I took not one, but two shits in the same bathroom! Hook, line, and SINKER (twice). I don't know what got into me, but it sure did come out (if you know what I mean HOHOHO!). But before I take you into the bathroom, let me tell you about something amazing that happened only moments before the great softie. The professor was giving her lecture and said "we will take a shit snapshot." I don't know how she accidentally said shit, but it was amazing. I started laughing softly, trying not too seem like a total immature child and it took a really long time for me to get over it. No one else seemed to be laughing, but maybe that's because they are all over the age of 30. I really don't know. What I do know though, is that I will still think it's funny for a very long time. Ok, so moving on...to the drop zone: the third floor bathroom of the Burlington Nokia Corporate office. I would have to say this is probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever taken a shit. Seriously. This entire building is gorgeous and very well kept up. There are fountains, sculptures, glass walls, fancy-looking people, real living plants, very large tinted windows, and so much more. It's no Glacier National Park, but it's the cream of the DROP as far as buildings go. The third floor bathroom is classy and understated and each stall is more like a tiny deuce dropping dream room (see below). Like I've mentioned before, I really enjoy my privacy while dropping a deuce and these tiny stall rooms meet my every need. I took my shits and I didn't know or care if anyone was in the stall beside me. I highly recommend leaving a softie in this building. It was incredible. I'm having an incredible year.


I now pronounce this month SINKTOBER. "Got 'em."

Razzy's (Somerville, MA)

Last Tuesday I had an operation DUMPbo drop at Razzy's in Somerville. Like The Egg & I, Razzy's has my favorite type of bathroom: the one toilet one roomer. The bathroom is small and very pink and has two charming floral prints framed in gold. Real gold I'm sure, since dive bars really know that spending their money on the bathroom is the most important thing they can doodoo. The bathroom has dim lighting and also a tall mirror so you can watch yourself drop a DUMPbo. The the mirror thing was weird and definitely the worst part of the whole situation. It was almost like having a stranger watch you do the deed. I wouldn't say it was delightful experience, but it wasn't bad. If you can keep your eyes on the prize, I think, like me, you'll feel pretty good about this bathroom experience.

The Egg & I (Hyannis, MA)

Last weekend I went to Hyannis, Massachusetts for the first time. The weather was horrible, but I still had a good time with my friends. "I took a shit once" while I was there and not until the last day. We went out to breakfast to The Egg & I and let me tell you, laying an egg there was not great. I should have known because of the weather. FORESHADOWING. Anyway, at the end of the meal I thought, finally, some alone time in the bathroom (there were a bunch of us staying at a house with 1.5 bathrooms)! As I opened the bathroom door, I was not encouraged. It looked like someone burned the wall at the bottom of each corner and only the corners. The walls were made of yellow and white alternating panels, about 2 feet wide. The texture of the wall was that gross, weird-feeling stuff. You know what I mean, right? Those tiny horizontal stripes? I hated them. Maybe I have something against horizontal stripes. I'm not sure, but it was another unpleasant experience. The ambiance was all wrong and it just didn't feel great. The bathroom pretty much matched the rest of the restaurant though. BO-RING. On the upside, a lady was waiting outside of the bathroom for me to get out. I kind of think it's funny to let an egg hatch right before a stranger uses the bathroom. This sounds contrary to my "being alone while dropping a deuce" thing, but it's a little different. I don't mind someone going in after me when the bathroom is a single and has a loud ventilation system. I just don't like when people are in the same room at the same time while I'm doing it. Does this make sense? I like my eggs being hatched in solitary confinement. You know, like jail. Jello. Jealousy. Jesus. Poop?

Cepstral Robots

This post is not very relevant to poop and yet it TOTALLY IS. Cepstral is a text-to-speech company that "makes realistic synthetic voices that can say anything, anywhere, with personality and style." Walter is wise, William is sophisticated, Amy is a prude, and Linda is downright sassy. But Allison tops them all because she converts the following text to utter gloriousness like no other robot can: "Poopies poopies poopies and crap. And shit and poop and shit. Ha ha poopies. Peepee too. Ha ha." Yep, you read correctly. Here's the link to the voice demo page for hours, possibly days of high quality cheap entertainment!

Anyway, I'm sure everyone has done this at some point, probably when they were eight. Cepstral definitely stirs things up though with the different personalities and options to change the voice. Definitely. Right? Or maybe it's the exact same thing I was doing when I was eight yet I still laugh like a hyena when I hear a robot say the word "poop." Regardless, to me Cepstral is a reminder that poop will always be hilarious. Peepee too.

Boulder Campsite (Glacier National Park, MT)

This may be one of the most picturesque places to poop.  It is a simple poophole (with "collapsible backrest/toilet cover"!) at a designated campsite right near Boulder Pass in Glacier National Park.  I wish I could say that I've pooped there, but I'm merely posing in the photo...I just didn't have to take a shit at the time.  I didn't actually stay at the campsite either, I hiked through it after coming over the pass.  Restroom assured I will be back there one day to drop a prodigious deucester!

Dali Restaurant/Tapas Bar (Somerville, MA) & Park Square Building (Boston, MA)

Last night I went to Dali near Inman Square. I did not poop there, but I really wanted to. The ambiance was magnificent! They had fish sculptures coming out of the wall, plants, a large painting of scantily dressed women serving hungry men, parrot and flower wallpaper on one wall (they even covered the pipes with wallpaper!), and lighting perfect for romance -- candles on every table, dimmed overhead lights, and a string of blue Christmas lights intertwined with some curly willow stems, flax grass, or some sort of fake shrubbery. It was delightful. I got really excited to drop a deuce there, so I ventured to the bathroom hoping for the best. They have two one-toilet bathrooms and both were occupied. I was waiting in line behind a waitress and as soon as one person vacated, the waitress offered up her spot in line for me. I said "oh, please no. You," but she insisted that I go first (to go number two). They are so nice there! I finally got into the bathroom and it was tiny! I could touch both walls by extending my arms out on each side. This wasn't unpleasant, just a little strange. Maybe that's why the ship couldn't let down it's anchor or maybe it just wasn't time to dock the ship? Whatever it was, it didn't happen. It was a cute little bathroom, charming even, and clean. Really clean. They had a bunch of decorations in there, much like the rest of the restaurant, which was nice. I do plan to go back so let's hope I can get the ship docked next time. I will also try to remember to take a picture of that little beauty.

In actual poop news, I did poop in the Park Square building today. I work in this building so I poop there often. I always feel nervous in that bathroom and I always try to go when it is empty. I think it's because I'm uncomfortable when I know there is a possibility that one of my coworkers might be in an adjacent stall. Actually, coworker or non-coworker I don't really like clogging toilets when I'm not alone. This definitely affects the experience and the experience is a little different each time. Today one of the fluorescent lights was out, so that made the scene a little more comfortable and less harsh on the eyes. Unfortunately, I hastily hung my work lanyard (with ID and keys) on the stall door hook and it didn't stop swinging. It was so annoying with the keys and the ID hitting the door! This really screwed up the serenity I found in the busted light. Needless to say, it wasn't a good experience. Actually, I wouldn't say I ever have a great experience in there. Those lights are just annoying and there are way too many people that share that bathroom to ever get some alone time. It's pretty clean because the cleaning staff is good and mostly adults use the bathroom, but the walls, floor, and counter tops are off-white with no great decorations (unlike Dali's cute little dump dropping zone). Maybe I'll have a surprisingly wonderful experience in there one day. One can only hope. Hope floats. Poop sinks.

Behold!!